My Depths of Chronic Back Pain & Anxiety Revealed
The Chronic Back Pain
It’s no secret around here that I’ve been dealing with back pain pretty intensely for the past 1 1/2 years or so, but what I don’t always express…what I haven’t quite let be a part of these posts…is how hardcore it’s been and how many times I have hit rock bottom.
I haven’t kept this out in an attempt to paint a pretty (and unrealistic) picture of my time, but I have chosen, in those moments, to focus on the lessons learned and the victories gained instead. Doing so has served to encourage and strengthen me beyond measure. It made me feel hardcore in the face of such a beast as this.
Speaking about my rock bottom has not been relevant until now.
I know that I am tremendously blessed, in terms of the extent of my injury. I am still able to walk. I am still able to do most of my every day things, for the most part, and I am still able to get a decent night’s sleep on most nights. Still, there has been the pain…pain that has literally brought me to my hands and knees…pain that has been so extensive and so deep and unrelenting that the only reason I can give for having gotten through those moments is because of my Lord and my God.
The Mental Side
Physically, this chronic back pain has not been an easy companion, but I can easily and honestly say that the hardest part of it all has not been the physical but the mental and emotional…
How humbling it has been to hand over so many of my “mom duties”,
because I could not take care of my kids the way I once did.
How humbling it has been to need assistance for something that has fallen to the ground and is literally at my feet, but I know I cannot reach it.
How humbling to have to wait on certain household tasks because I know I am unable.
Trust me, it is one thing to have someone swoop in and take over these sorts of things when you are physically capable. It is actually a welcome sight! When you are not capable, however, it can be agonizingly grievous at best.
For sure, the mental and emotional side of the coin and the humbling lessons they bring have been one the most difficult parts of this whole process for me. God has whittled so much away from (& yet also for) me and my life…things I thought I needed and most certainly wanted…and, while the process has been painful, I can honestly say that I would go through it all again to be where I now am with Him and with my family, as a result.
He has deepened my relationship with Him,
transformed the entire dynamics of my marriage,
and given me the ability to appreciate things that I never have before.
The Anxiety Side
Yet, even still, and despite all of that, I have come face to face with an even greater beast than the back itself:
Anxiety. Horrible, horrible anxiety.
While anxiety had been a thread in my life’s story prior to my back injury, it was never really more than an annoying whisper before. With the deep onset of my back, however, my anxious nerves became agitated far more greatly than I ever could have prepared myself for.
Posting about anxiety was never going to be my thing. It is too vulnerable an area, and it makes me feel more exposed than I was planning on being through this blog, but when I see the way that it was literally consuming my life, and when I know that I am one of just countless others out there that have come face to face with it, I feel a tremendous responsibility to do so now.
So, in the posts that are to come, expect this beast of anxiety to be addressed and revealed. I’ll be talking about my own experience with it, what I’ve learned, and how
I’ve overcome I am overcoming it. I hope you’ll join me and, if you’re someone who suffers from anxiety too, I pray you’ll find something here that will bring you peace of mind.
Until then, never forget that You are His. You are loved, and He will leave you not alone.