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Chronic Back Pain, Faith, Struggling

Choosing Hope Over Self-Pity, Part 2

Ever experience one of those profound, life-changing moments from simple conversation?

I certainly have.

It’s not often that those times come around, but when they do I am always so grateful and so amazed at the same time.

My mom is an amazing person.  I’m just going to put that out there.  The way she tackles life…the way she handles difficulties…it’s always inspiring.  So I shouldn’t be surprised that my life-altering moment has come from yet another conversation with her.  Long story short, my mom was confronted with some difficult information…Information that I know I likely would have cried over.  So I asked her, “Did you cry?”  and she immediately said, “No.”  Instead, she thought about solutions and possibilities and how she could get in front of the issues she was having.

Now, I know this about my mom already.  I know that this is how she handles things, but still I was floored.  See, I was just coming off of an amazing trip to Disney World.  Seriously, it was awesome…but while I was there, I was faced with some major back issues that colored each and every day with varying degrees of pain.  I feel I handled it pretty well, all things considered, but I also know that I had thrown a couple pity parties for myself as well.  Maybe that’s why this conversation was so pivotal for me this time around, because while I may have handled my things well enough, I did make time for those “sorry for me” moments.  Hearing how my mom handled her situation…how she just got in there without missing a beat and took the power God had given her to forge ahead with optimism and faith…I realized that I too could be doing the same exact thing.

So, instead of being afraid when my back takes a turn, I can be confident:  I will get through this as well.

Instead of being afraid that my back will never get better, I can be proactive:  I can do those exercises my chiropractor gave me with due diligence; I can keep forging ahead and trying new approaches to my healing.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself and then choosing to fight, I can fight right from the beginning:  I can refuse to limit myself unnecessarily; I can take those walks; I can keep my mind and my heart right; I can be patient and wait for the healing.

I’m so incredibly glad I had that conversation with my mom, because here I am again with my back.  Out of nowhere, the spasms have happened.  This time, I did not cry out of fear.  I believed that I would reach through it instead; I reminded myself that this too shall pass.  This time, I did not treat myself like a completely immobile unit.  I put on my tens unit, wore my ice belt, and got my son out for a walk.

I believe that there is a solution to my back, and I believe that I will find it sooner rather than later.  Today, yes, I am injured, but my injury no longer defines me.  Learning what I have through my mother, I am free to remember that I am defined by Christ, not my fears associated with my back, and that remains the same no matter what direction I ever may physically go with this.  This is my cross to bare right now, but God does not let me bare it alone.  He’s allowing this to all happen for a reason.  I’m done with feeling sorry for myself.

I may still cry in pain along the way, sure, but I will no longer cry out of self-pity. 

I will confidently lay this down with Christ;

I will be proactive, I will choose to fight,

but I will never again cry out of self-pity.

So, thanks, Mom, for teaching me this lesson.  I’m not sure you even knew that you had at the time!

And thank you, my Lord, for teaching me this lesson through the most amazing woman I have ever known.  I pray for Your healing as I have been for the last year and a half.  I’m realizing now that You have been healing me in other ways.  I needed to see the things You’ve shown me.  I needed to change in my heart and in my very being, and I feel like I’m finally letting You do so (and I thank You).  I pray for healing in the ways You know I need it most.  I pray that You will help me to be willingly inclined toward Your way.  I pray too for the healing of my back, and I have no doubt that You will provide it.  Whether that be on this side of Heaven or not until after You have called me Home, I know that my healing will come and I lay my will down for Yours instead.  Why would I ever want anything else?  I love you, Lord.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Oh, and God?  I also pray for Your strength to not feel bad for myself any longer, because I may have learned, and I may have chosen to not live in self-pity any longer, but it will only be by Your strength and power that I don’t go there ever again.  I love You, Lord.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

 

*Here’s part one of this non self-pity story…apparently God’s been working on me with this for a while!

 

This post has been shared on the Grace&Truth Link Up!

*Featured Image by Len Nguyen via FreeImages

 

Kay Kathleen

I write about my life's core: Jesus & my faith, my family, and the struggles I have met along the way. I figure...I hope...that if exposing my life and it's lessons learned can encourage even one person, this blog and all the hours I have spent behind this computer will have been more than worth it.

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