Technically, she’s not my sister, she’s my cousin, but my heart has never known the difference.
Born 6 months apart and living only 10 miles away, growing up for me was just amazing. If she wasn’t over at my house, then I was at hers. We did everything together, sharing our secrets and our hearts like only best friends can do…hey, we even hung out together when one had to go to the bathroom..THAT’S how close we were (and perhaps how disgusting we were too!).
But I lost her..somewhere along this path in life…I lost her…
and I don’t know if I’ll ever find her again.
To be honest, I’m not even sure when it happened. We didn’t fade out during high school or college…or even those years that followed, when she traveled the world, and we both eventually called opposite sides of the country our home.
No, it was sometime after that…when we both moved closer to home…and, it breaks my heart over and over again. It breaks my heart to see her at family parties and not know what to say. It breaks my heart to know that we are so uncomfortable around each other that eye contact is ..well, unnatural…and our obligatory “hello/goodbye” conversations are simply disconnected and superficial.
How did we ever get to here? I’m grappling to understand this.
Gone are the girls who once knew each other so well..who knew how to make each other laugh and comfort each other when we cried…. It’s such a tragic and confusing void for me, because I don’t even know what happened. Perhaps, then, I would find the closure my heart aches for though, trust me, I’ve openly tried to understand. I’ve worn my heart on my sleeve for her, but there are still no answers.
So many invitations to coffee turned down, so many blatant conversations about my missing her politely noted and received, yet nothing in return.
I’m trying to move on,
I’m trying to move past,
To me, she will always be.
Sadly, I’ve lost my sister…but how do I walk away when I can still see her right there…I guess I keep hoping for that one day when she lets me in again…when I get to know what her life is really like. She was my best best friend…there was none closer..and yet, as I looked at her today, I’ve realized that the only things I know of her anymore are based on the memories we once shared.
I miss her…
I’ve lost my sister.
but is there a reason I did?
I’m coming to peace now
with the knowledge that I may never understand…
I’m astounded to accept that I have to lay this relationship to rest now. Maybe someday it will be revived, but today…today I have to leave it behind…as I walk deliberately forward into the arms and the lives of those who truly do love me and want to know me.
Goodbye, Beans…I hope someday that you will know my kids and that I’ll know yours…I hope someday to say hi to you and see my old friend again. I couldn’t possibly explain how terribly much I miss you, and how terribly sad I am to let you go.