In the Darkest Places of My #Pain #chronicpain #backpain #chronicbackpain #faith #hope #perseverance #wisdomgraceandcurls #blogger #Christianblogger #Christianblog #bloggers #Christianbloggers #Christianblogs
Faith, Struggling

In the Darkest Places of My Pain…  

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move…
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through…
-Lauren Daigle
In the last 5 months, God has used these lyrics to pull me through, to stand me back up, and to light the fire inside that gives me His hope and strength and renewed perspective.
…Oh, these last 5 months…how to even tackle that mountain of a tale…

They’ve been among the toughest I’ve ever known.

I’ve seen and felt God change me so drastically amidst it all and, for this, I am so grateful.

...But like it so often goes,
if it had been up to me, 
I would’ve chosen a different way..
an easier way..to achieve this change.  

I can’t tell you how glad I am that He didn’t leave it up to me, because I know this is the better way..even if it hurts..

I am certainly no stranger to back troubles, but up until this past March, these troubles were so very fleeting, and I would often marvel to myself at how quickly I healed.

Then, this March happened…

                          and along with it, back pain so excruciating,
it had me writhing in pain through that entire first night.
Physical therapy was the obvious choice to my doctor, so I willingly went, trusting a bit too naively that this was the answer.  A side note for a moment here…if you ever find yourself in therapy, and an exercise they want you to do is hurting you, STOP…even if they tell you to push on through it, STOP.  Listen to your body and honor your body…You know it better than anyone else…If it feels wrong, don’t do it!
For me, it felt wrong…
                              …but I continued…
…and now I’m at a new place, receiving new treatments, but this time for my spine as well…
But alas, I digress…

So, these last 5 months have been brutal, at times.

I have soared on hope and promising progress,
and I have also plummeted in despair and discouragement
as my back experienced setback after setback.
One step forward two steps back,
two steps forward, one step back…

…Was I really going anywhere at all?
Pain is never an easy thing…

Pain while you’re running a household

                                               and trying to be with your kids…like you always have…

Pain while you long to run again and swim again and be active again…

Pain while you long so much for the life you use to live…

                                    …the very same life you now realize you took for granted…
Yes, pain can be complete and utter agony.
It’s scary…
                 When will it end?  
                                            What if it gets worse?  
                                                                                What if I’m always like this?  

What if it’s because of something else…something more serious?
 
It’s lonely…
…as you watch people continue on with their lives (as they should)…

…as you try to explain to them how you’re feeling,
all the while knowing that very few can completely understand but only try…
It’s frustrating…
…as you look at your children you want so very much to pick up…
…as you see your now cluttered home…and the bathrooms that don’t get cleaned…and the laundry and dishes that don’t get washed because it’s so uncomfortable and often painful to do so..
Yes, pain can be a very frightening, isolating, exasperatingly depressing thing to go through, and my heart goes out to each and everyone of you that are going through it.
But don’t forget…as much as pain, indeed, can be these burdensome things, 
there is One Who is waiting to take these burdens 
from each and every one of us.
This One is Jesus.

And will He heal you?  Absolutely!

But He also teaches us patience and faith…

…faith even when healing might not come right away…
not next week…
…or next month…
…or even next year!
It might not even be something that comes on this side of Heaven, quite honestly, but it will come…and His timing will be perfect when it does…
Someday we will see and understand and even agree that He had the best plan all along.

See, rather than heal us of our pain in the way we think we need it most, God is actively at work on things within us that we often cannot see…things that need His attention far more than we are able to understand just yet.

I know for a certainty that, although it can be difficult for me to thank God in the middle of my pain,

He is doing a good work in me through this, and He will not stop until it is complete.  
(my paraphrase from Philippians 1:6)
It is within this that I find hope.

I may not get my healing for months or years or not until I am with my Sweet Lord in Heaven, but I will get it…and until then, I rest in the awesome comfort that He is doing something incredible in me right now.

In my weakest moments…in my deepest pain and discomfort, He is right there with me feeling it too.  He’s there holding me and brushing my hair back with His hand, just like my mother did when I was a child.

And I know…I just know…that everything is going to be alright.
Won’t you let Jesus be your hope and comfort today?  
No matter what you may be going through…it’s not meant to be done alone.  
Let Him comfort you in your darkest places…He’s longing to meet you there..if only you’ll call on His Name.

Kay Kathleen

I write about my life's core: Jesus & my faith, my family, and the struggles I have met along the way. I figure...I hope...that if exposing my life and it's lessons learned can encourage even one person, this blog and all the hours I have spent behind this computer will have been more than worth it.

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2 Comments

  1. […] My own personal abyss of discontentment is best understood within the context of my back injury. […]

  2. […] hernia debacle that I am in right now! To take this further, I may have also been able to avoid my back injury […]

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